Single and Unbothered (sort of)

Navigating adulthood against societal, familiar, and my own expectations.

At the start of the year, I shared with my friends, family, and therapist that I'd decided to finally focus my energy on relationships. Not surprisingly, I was met with an overwhelmingly positive response and only a slight twinge of concern. If I'm being honest, I even questioned how fully committed and intentional I would be once I made this plan known. As much as I love a challenge, I despise feeling like I am being set up to fail, so being vulnerable and setting myself up for a challenge with no guarantee of success is putting my fight-or-flight response to the ultimate test. But there is just something about 2024 that makes me feel finally ready to really take this on.

For years, I had been so focused on achieving only tangible things I could manage and control, such as my education and my career goals. I was fully leaning into my independent era and attempting to create an existence that emulated a mash-up of my favourite fictional characters: Olivia Pope from Scandal and Molly from Insecure. However, like Olivia, Molly, and other career-driven characters I aspired to be, this sharp and limited focus left me with little to no time to forge meaningful, intimate relationships with a partner. And as much as I cherish all of my friendships, I am no longer confident that it is enough of a replacement. 

There is something to be said for having 'your person'- someone with whom you can share your deepest thoughts, fears, and aspirations. A person who isn't a clinical psychologist you pay hundreds of dollars a month to is your equal who can guide you on the things you may be struggling with or recognize when you need cold, brutal honesty. Of course, it feels great to come and go as you please and not be weighed down by constant consideration or negotiation on all the decisions made within a day. But what is the point of getting everything you want in life if you have no one to share them with?

With these things at the forefront of my mind, I had to be honest with myself and begin thinking about how to navigate this journey. It may seem completely irrational, but I was genuinely concerned that once I shifted my personal goals from career to love, I would return to my childhood self and be wholly consumed by pursuing a relationship (i.e., less Molly from Insecure and more Joan from Girlfriends).

As a child and adolescent, my schoolgirl crushes consumed my world. Once I felt the rush of one of my crushes reciprocating my affection, there was no turning back. I overloaded my many diaries and journals with lists of all my classmates, celebrities, and any other remotely attractive teen boy I became infatuated with. 

My first diary entry was at age 9. 

"There is a boy named Andrew, and I think he's cute. All my friends know about him. But I don't care."

Every moment of every day served simply as the window of time I would spend percolating on amplifying the euphoric feeling of being in love… or what I thought was love. 

  • What new ways can I show this person how much I care for them?

  • Who else can I share this amazing feeling with?

  • Why is this feeling subsiding?

  • How do I protect this feeling as long as humanly possible?

  • Is this the best that there is?

By the time I was in my early twenties, I was regularly responding to "u up" texts in the middle of the night and constantly being reminded that the feeling I was chasing never felt quite as good as the initial magnetic attraction. I endured relationships like a drug addict chasing their next fix. It only ever felt amazing at the beginning. It always became a problematic entity that negatively impacted my relationships with friends, my work ethic, and, most importantly, my self-worth. By the time I enrolled in college, I knew it was time to make a change. No more boys. I would be a career girl!

Switching gears at that time in my life was emotionally and mentally challenging for all the reasons any young woman might assume. Between the pressures from my family and the power of the media, I was concerned that I was doing something unnatural by not centring romance at that point in my life. However, I was extraordinarily exhausted by the pursuit and failure of love and truly felt I had no other option but to pivot. 

This new shift in my focus on personal success gave me the kind of gratification incomparable to anything else I had ever felt before (not sure if this is pathetic and sad, but it was very true). While relationships had always kept me insecure, uncomfortable, and constantly uncertain, my post-secondary education consistently kept me satisfied with the regular validation I was receiving for my grades, school assignments, and the various milestones I reached. It was a simple equation with few variables; work hard, then be rewarded. Yes, there were moments when I would go back and forth with a professor or teaching assistant about a few grades here or there, but more often than not, the outcome was worth the effort. I eventually took that same determination and tenacity to my employment pursuits. 

Much like my education, my career goals were coming to fruition precisely as planned. I was moving up the corporate ladder, hobnobbing with beautiful people, and achieving many of the things I thought I had always wanted. Then, without notice or preparation, the world stopped. 

The 2020 pandemic forced us all to put a pause on all of our regular day-to-day experiences. A pause on many things that gave me purpose and kept my head above water. A pause on the distraction factory that was my life. No more hosting girls' nights for my girlfriends. No more casual drinks with colleagues. No more expensive dinners at new hotspots. No more travel for cultural experiences or family connections. 

My Ferris wheel of life had abruptly stopped, and I was alone.

It wasn't that I was no longer happy or grateful for the life I had built for myself. This is the same life that offered me the luxury of travelling around the world, creating amazing memories with my family, and building new meaningful friendships. But it made me question whether this life I had built was still going to be enough. 

I no longer want my fear of potentially being absorbed in a problematic, soul-sucking, toxic relationship to keep me from being in a great, loving, purposeful one. And if, by chance, my efforts to secure an intimate relationship go unresolved when this year comes to an end, I am confident I will not only be okay but will continue to find ways to be fulfilled because, as Maya Angelou so eloquently said, "I'm a woman. Phenomenal woman, That's me."

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